It’s been a while …

Observations

My life was rather complicated and somehow uncomplicated the last months. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my relationship, my professional life and if there is anything waiting for me in the future.

I figured that no matter what, you can’t forget to look after yourself. Your personal health is something to pay attention to. Don’t wait too long to see a doctor when you feel that something isn’t right. Don’t blame yourself in case that there really isn’t something right and focus on solving the problem. Bit by bit!

When stepping into society, we can see how we are all looking for something to believe in, something that shows us the way but maybe all this does not lie around outside. Maybe looking a little deeper and nicer inside yourself will give you the answers you need.

Some of the questions I have been dealing with were:

  • Do I feel enough?

My mentor told me, that he’d like me to connect better with my feelings. I started getting back to small meditations during the day. I thought that that might help but then I saw that my problem is probably not being unable to feel, but sometimes not being able to express what I feel, neither in words nor in physical states. Not knowing how to describe your feelings is not a big deal. Actually I think that feelings are all so interwoven and complex that humanity still has no vocabulary for that. Not showing feelings too much has to do with self protection or even protecting the other. Besides that, it is something that comes from our family culture, it is something we might have learned.

  • Is my relationship happy enough?

Dreamer, as I am, I imagine relationships to be like in romantic B&W movies but the truth is, that sometimes you can be in a relationship where both parts love each other but it’s not always a loving relationship. And that’s where you have to take a step back. That step can manifest itself in different forms, such as taking a break, going to couples therapy, studying yourself and human behavior, and other solutions. Taking a step back showed me and my partner, that things were not OK the way they were going. We couldn’t just be another couple stuck in a relationship and treating the other as if they were no human being. After working things out a bit, the way you live your relationship might improve a lot.

  • Am I taking the right steps to be fulfilled?

That’s something I am definitely not clear about. The whole world has always been a construct to me and reading Sapiens just confirmed that again. We’re all just playing in our own versions of reality. So, do I have the same measures of success and fulfillment as the people around me? It’s like, even if you see through all these things, they still sometimes draw you in and you might feel a bit like you haven’t made it, no matter the model you compare yourself with.

  • What actually would fulfill me?

Still working on answering that. Since life is unpredictable, there is not much we can do about it. We can imagine having a long life span and plenty of time. What’s important in this life for you? What do you want to do with your time and who should be in your life? There is this five year exercise, which is promising to achieve your goals within only five years. But then again, what would be the right goals to visualize, so that you don’t get stuck in another dilemma? So, I am feeling good right now having ideas and working on them, trying out new things. It just feels like that they lead to nothing more than personal fulfillment right at that moment. But is that so wrong?

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Never ending processes of change

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My last trip back to my old homes in Germany and Croatia taught me again a lot. This time I managed to meet different old friends and I have also spent the summer with my family after many years. Since I live in Brazil and travelling during the European summer is more expensive than in other seasons, I rarely had the chance. But summer in Croatia on our little hill with those family members who are still alive, was a good experience.

And I don’t know where to start and how to describe all these impressions of mine.

We arrived in Frankfurt in the end of July. Since we both started smoking again, we went to the smoking area outside. Frankfurt is an international airport receiving travelers from all over the world and many aren’t used to such smoking zones. Anyway, so there were a lot of cigarettes on the floor and one of the pipelike ashtrays caught fire. The responsible cleaner, a man in his 40s, visually with an Arabic background, really lost it and cursed while violently cleaning the area. And this is something that one can see in Germany and surely some other countries, too, independent from the cultural background of the employees. People show their frustration openly and feel no urge to be polite or positive in front of others. Two days later when sitting in a café in Heidelberg with our friends from Brazil, I reflected how I used to be towards customers when working at the cashier in the cinema. It is a very stressful job and one where you can learn that most people are actually very helpless creatures when it comes to finding information. So, almost all of us regularly lost it in front of the customer. I regularly asked people, if they knew how to read. Since I live in Brazil, I think that I have changed. Brazilians are different and I would say, that they never show their personal frustration or problems in a professional context. And I don’t think that this is wrong. Some might say that it is unhealthy to put on a mask at work but I think that both, the service provider and the customer benefit from this since they are leaving the situation satisfactorily. Within the years I learned to appreciate this and I used it to develop naturally this polite character trait within me and I actually feel like this is much more ‘me’. I am not weak because I am polite. And after a terrible fight at home, it actually helps me to get better, when I encounter my students with a smile and listen to their weekend adventures.

There were many other little experiences I had during our vacation and maybe I will tell you more about this, soon.

Go and pick some daisies ^~^!

Slow mind and wild dreams

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It’s been more than a week since I got back to Europe. First we visited Heidelberg and participated in the beautiful wedding of a wonderful friend and now we’re in Croatia. The days and nights are hot and my mind goes slower while the heat at night makes me dream and process weired stuff. Like, when I saw how aggressive people can be when they don’t like their jobs and cultural etiquette never taught them to keep their hatred to themselves. In Germany you can see many imigrants working in lower cleaning jobs and especially man, when they think that they should be doing something more prestigious, can become very unsatisfied and provocative. I remember a case where the father of a friend, who used to work as a doctor in a libanese hospital, could not validate his doctor’s degree in Germany and was forced to work as a cleaner at a hospital. This frustration and his cultural background made him treat the women of his family very bad.

Here in Croatia overly emotional reactions are so normal, especially for men.

All these things that I see, the shared unhappiness of many people, makes me feel misplaced but also reflect on how much of this emotional local culture influences me in my behavior until today. I have learned so much but when people are really very close, sometimes reason does not lead me and I get blind to the fact that I might have misunderstood a situation.

Well, it is always interesting to get back and learn from the encounters.

Blowing faster

Creative

The wind blows faster

through the colorful corridor

Invites you to seek for his origins

Somewhere at the seaside

More than an hour away

People come to a quiet and calming place

To make it loud and agitated

Children scream and parents shout

Adults start talking louder

I guess that’s the way it is

when you have more than one child

Oh, dear wind! Don’t give up on blowing

refreshing my mind

and trying to bring back calmness

into this colored corridor

Pacing in the same spot for a long time

Observations

Image result for Atsuko Tanaka sand

Looks like my last post made the round and I have seen some people trying the Facebook diet. Suddenly you are much more aware of the overflow of information. But my topic today is another one.

“Pacing in the same spot for a long time! was what artist Atsuko Tanaka thought when she draw her circles into the sand of the beach on Awaji Island in the 60ies. And I guess we all can transfer this idea into our own lives. I feel like pacing at the same spot for a long time, like in many areas I am just not really moving forward and there are days where I am good with that because I see how everything is nothing but a mere construct we have all built up together but on some other days I miss someone giving me a challenge. Again on other days i feel like I am over challenging myself.

What seems to help is to go through my possessions and get rid of some of them. Gives me the feeling of a partly liberation because it is the attachment to things, people, places, moments and even ideas that keeps us from moving wherever we want to move.

I am going to donate some of my art books to the Japan House in Sao Paulo, so that some others can make sense out of them.

Kika

 

 

 

 

The 5-Day Zero Facebook Diet 

Observations

Yes, this diet might help your brain to recover from the overload of unwanted (or wanted?) information.

I did it – I survived it.

I took the decision super spontaneously when drinking a beer at the Galeria 540 and grabbing my cell phone to check if there were any updates in the world that would keep me busy for the next 30 seconds when the conversation around me got stuck. The moment I caught myself doing that, I knew I could need a Facebook Diet. An I was aware of the fact, that this was nothing to think about for too long, because I could have changed my mind easily during the process. Open Facebook – log out – Live with all the consequences.

 

The 5-Day 0-Facebook
The first day:

I received a couple of message advices from Facebook and was tagged in a post. It was a tiny little bit tempting to think about accessing my site to see if I really wasn’t missing any big events. But then I convinced myself that whatever it was that I would miss, it just couldn’t be that significant. And if there was anything really important, people would easily find a way to contact me in other ways.

The other days:

Didn’t miss accessing Facebook that much and I am already thinking about a more radical diet the next time, including Instagram and LinkedIn.

I realized throughout the last weeks that my online behavior had changed. I was sometimes only a bit bored for a minute or so, had some time to pass. Like entering the elevator and running down twenty floors or arriving five minutes too early at my students’. A couple of free minutes: what should I do with all the boredom?

Occasionally I read an article of an acquaintance on LinkedIn two weeks ago, who was complaining about smartphones and wanted to get rid of his.

I have not much against smartphones themselves. Yes,they accelerated our lives but in my case, just like in many others, a smartphone is necessary for my job. I can do much more when outside my home office, send quotes, reschedule classes, prepare homework, work on our online marketing, etc. But the article was right about that one point I explained above: filling every free minute with input, forgetting what it means  to be centered inside.

And when I saw this behavior developing in me, I needed to take a break.

The results:

I did not miss anything important.

I am more realistic again about social networking sites.

I had enough time to run some ‘thought processes’  to get some of my own projects back on track and to naturally find solutions to daily issues.

The 5-Day Zero Facebook Diet – You can do it!

White cat – black cat! Both are nice! 

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I am on the bus to Barra Funda to pick up our rental since our car will be in the garage for a check. 

There aren’t many people on the bus but all ten are female and about three of them talk loud enough for the rest of us to participate in their conversation by listening involuntary. 

But that is not what I was going to write about. It is just a factor that hinders me from thinking clearly. 

Today I have decided to turn down the job offer. I wasn’t guaranteed the position so far anyway. It all made me feel a bit stuck in life and taking decisions for my future. 

Now I feel so much better. My friend Lena posted yesterday: 

I dream a lot. And I live very fast. No wonder, I forgot my dreams sometimes. 
She then described the situation of visiting a Buddhist monastery far off the mainstream life and how she remembered that this was one of her dreams. So, with each step we take, we might get closer to some of our dreams, when letting life come naturally. The job I got offered was very interesting but away from my work reality in terms of freedom and responsibility and some other principles, I guess. And then I remembered a dream of mine, which was to travel in China for mere touristic reasons, without studying or working over there. 

Until the end of the year, I would like to have the money, that I would need for a short three week trip. 

And what does it have to do with cats? 

When walking to the bus stop, I first found a white cat and caressed her. Continuing my walk, I encountered a black cat on my way which was also very sweet and not jealous of the white cat, which has marked me first. 

So, black or white, all is fine. It is still a cat. My decisions in life all have the potential to turn out just fine as long as I am living my life. 

Beijos 

Que será será 

Observations

This song came to my mind just when finally heading to bed. What will be, will be. I haven’t thought about this song since 2012 when I performed it in a music school in our neighborhood. 

These days were so full of different projects, actually plenty of creative and fun activities but all in all too much. Also I have had two job interviews at a company that had contacted me which confused me a lot because I wasn’t really looking for a job. And then the anxiety: will I get the job or not? And I am not really sure what makes me feel like this. 

But then this song came to my mind and now I know that this is exactly what I should be thinking. Let life go the way it goes. And thus: go with the flow and don’t think too much. Trying to influence my life too much just makes me tired.

So I am going to hum the melody while falling asleep. 

Hmmm hmmm hm hm hm 

Hmm hm hm hm hm hm hmm

Hmm hm hm hm hmm hm hmm 

Hm hm hmm hm hmm

https://youtu.be/xZbKHDPPrrc