Rainy Days

Observations

You know? We may all have different cultures, different lives, different circumstances. But when it comes to opening your window or door on a rainy day, we all have this silent, thoughtful emotional feeling coming up in us. We take a moment and reflect.

With me, that’s a black coffee and a slowly smoked cigarette while looking at the life in my garden. And Spotify plays a playlist someone has created for such days, simply called rainy days.

And the different lyrics take you to different places in your own history.

And what we do when observing a rainy day in such a way, is feeling and letting go, and letting come as well.

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Right now

Creative

Right now

I feel strong

I feel clear

Right now

I can see

See the sea

See ourselves

See you

And even more

I see me

Right now

Words are flying

In emotions

And love is natural

Love for yourself

And sharing

Seems so simple

Right now

We are in a moment

Of transition

And I am here

Right now

Walk Through Walls: A Memoir by Marina Abramović

Creative

It was in maybe in October last year, when I saw Marina Abramovic’s book ‘Walk Through Walls’ here on the bookshelves of a store in Sao Paulo. The Portuguese title is ‘Pelas Paredes: Memórias de Marina Abramovic’. And I got it first as a present for someone else, but after reading the first page, I just wasn’t ready to give it away yet.

I have to admit, I am only half-way through but it is more of a bible of how to life your life supposedly ‘wrong’ in terms of how society works and how each step leads to bigger personal insights and development. It is a book, I just can’t read fast, because of all the implied information and the connection to my own personal story here and there. Her words are one of my many teachers.

The descriptive style is engaging, moving and not boring in any way. I guess, I will need another couple of months to finish it, but I already wanted to share this with you. Great work and my gratitude to a person who is capable of sharing.

 

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When it’s done

Creative

Roles and expectations

We rarely ask questions
Who’s the controller
And who the caretaker?
That’s usually clear.
We do like
What we know.
Soft and washy traditions
fixed in our minds.
And when it’s done
It looks like a warfield.
Love was never the problem,
But the lack of respect
For life itself in all its facets.
Yet people prefer to talk
Instead of asking questions.

When I was a little girl I wanted to become a …

Memories

When I turned five, I moved to Germany to a small town near Cologne. There my mother was working in a restaurant within a commercial center. Very often I would visit her and we’d go to the bakery, where I would usually get a milk roll or a Wackemann if it was winter. At the photographer we would take photos every now and then. But the nicest shop was the flower shop.

The first time I entered, I was amazed by the sweet smell. The flower seller was a young woman in her twenties and she was very beautiful. That was when I wished to be a flower seller once I grew up. The combination of everything I saw was creating an inviting harmony. I gave up on my dream the day my mum told me that I would have to go to school much longer and do my A levels to become a flower seller. Of course, that wasn’t true. But imagining at that time of my life that school would go on like forever, was very scary to me.

So, I moved on at the age of six and a half to my next professional aspiration: becoming an actress. But that’s another story.

January, 1st, 2019 – What I did in 2018

Observations

This morning a student of mine told me about an interesting exercise and I want to invite everybody to do it with me. So, you are going to open your diary or take a piece of paper. Then you set the date to January 1st in 2019 and write down everything you “did” in 2018.

 

Dear Diary,

It’s been a great year for me. Everything started already pretty well. I had a surgery to treat my endometriosis and it went fine. I quickly recovered and had no side effects and my abdominal pain was reduced to almost 0. I have also held some great workshops regarding East Asian cultures and arts which brought me interesting new clients who appreciate my knowledge and which again motivated me to continue broadening my personal knowledge in this field. I even organized a series of workshops myself in a well established institution in Sao Paulo and I am working on promoting more and more the people with a certain knowledge and potential in areas I know. Oh, I should not forget to tell you that Carla and me developed a female entrepreneur group in which women learn from each other and gain the right motivation for their own projects.

Also I published three new books, one with my friend Carla on Brazilian culture and another poetry collection, this time in Portuguese. Some of my poems have been presented on local events. The third book even found a publisher, which is a volume for young Brazilian Chinese learners. One can find it in many bookstores around the whole country and my illustrators and me got great feedback on this one so far.

Professionally I am pursuing more and more the creative way. I am teaching and translating less and working more and more in the intercultural field, where I can help people more directly with specific problems in their adaption process.

Our guesthouse Villa Luka also faced a great year. We had many tourists from all over the world and all costs related can be covered easily by the income we have.

My relationship is going very smooth and I am happy to say that I am seven months pregnant. Since it is fine for pregnant women to fly I have spend Christmas 2018 with my family in Croatia and we had a great time. Everybody opened up and we strengthened our bonds even tighter.

I myself understand life so much better now and really focus on the things that matter to me at the moment. Letting life flow and not being mad about the little things that don’t seem to add up right at the spot, don’t annoy me much and I don’t spend much time thinking about those.

We have moved to a nicer place where we have enough space to be a family and I support my husband in his career as much as he does support mine. He now understands that life is not always a straight red line, that all the things we do can be connected someday and that the experience I have made in all my fields is beneficial for my current and future tasks.

Thank you 2018! You’ve been wonderful to me!!!

It’s been a while …

Observations

My life was rather complicated and somehow uncomplicated the last months. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my relationship, my professional life and if there is anything waiting for me in the future.

I figured that no matter what, you can’t forget to look after yourself. Your personal health is something to pay attention to. Don’t wait too long to see a doctor when you feel that something isn’t right. Don’t blame yourself in case that there really isn’t something right and focus on solving the problem. Bit by bit!

When stepping into society, we can see how we are all looking for something to believe in, something that shows us the way but maybe all this does not lie around outside. Maybe looking a little deeper and nicer inside yourself will give you the answers you need.

Some of the questions I have been dealing with were:

  • Do I feel enough?

My mentor told me, that he’d like me to connect better with my feelings. I started getting back to small meditations during the day. I thought that that might help but then I saw that my problem is probably not being unable to feel, but sometimes not being able to express what I feel, neither in words nor in physical states. Not knowing how to describe your feelings is not a big deal. Actually I think that feelings are all so interwoven and complex that humanity still has no vocabulary for that. Not showing feelings too much has to do with self protection or even protecting the other. Besides that, it is something that comes from our family culture, it is something we might have learned.

  • Is my relationship happy enough?

Dreamer, as I am, I imagine relationships to be like in romantic B&W movies but the truth is, that sometimes you can be in a relationship where both parts love each other but it’s not always a loving relationship. And that’s where you have to take a step back. That step can manifest itself in different forms, such as taking a break, going to couples therapy, studying yourself and human behavior, and other solutions. Taking a step back showed me and my partner, that things were not OK the way they were going. We couldn’t just be another couple stuck in a relationship and treating the other as if they were no human being. After working things out a bit, the way you live your relationship might improve a lot.

  • Am I taking the right steps to be fulfilled?

That’s something I am definitely not clear about. The whole world has always been a construct to me and reading Sapiens just confirmed that again. We’re all just playing in our own versions of reality. So, do I have the same measures of success and fulfillment as the people around me? It’s like, even if you see through all these things, they still sometimes draw you in and you might feel a bit like you haven’t made it, no matter the model you compare yourself with.

  • What actually would fulfill me?

Still working on answering that. Since life is unpredictable, there is not much we can do about it. We can imagine having a long life span and plenty of time. What’s important in this life for you? What do you want to do with your time and who should be in your life? There is this five year exercise, which is promising to achieve your goals within only five years. But then again, what would be the right goals to visualize, so that you don’t get stuck in another dilemma? So, I am feeling good right now having ideas and working on them, trying out new things. It just feels like that they lead to nothing more than personal fulfillment right at that moment. But is that so wrong?