New Poetry Book: Eines Kolibris Flug

Creative

When the year moved from 2019 to 2020, I was staying with my mum in the mountains in Svib, our old family home. I had time to calm down, because my mother was so kind to take care of everything. During the Christmas days, she also suggested that I would be less online, and I tried, even though I couldn’t be completely offline.

With more time to reflect on my life, and after opening up towards my mother about my dating status, I felt very unsatisfied. Here I was, dating a guy whom I couldn’t call whenever I wanted, with whom I couldn’t just ‘take the next step’. And I felt like I had never chosen this. These were not clear conditions when I fell in love and when we started sharing. It’s been such an amazing but also very difficult year.

A day before New Year’s we broke up and I published a poetry book related to this love story. At least about 85% of the poems deal with my feelings for him. These were the poems I had written outside of our exchange poetry project, which we call ‘Wolken’.

Now, the story didn’t end. Just like a friend of mine said: every story has a happy end, and if it is not happy, it is not the end.

“Eines Kolibris Flug – Durch die Höhen und Tiefen einer Liebe” is the title available on Amazon and this Thursday at 7.30 pm I will read a selection at the Livraria in Berlin.

Would be a pleasure to meet you!

Focus on Compassion

Observations

People in our countries are split into different parties and becoming more and more radical in their opinions, just the same as our politicians are.

When I was young I was very interested in politics and more in political history to understand why the current state of our world emerged. Now that I am older, I see no improvement in the last decades. The idea of left and right just got stronger in the last years and politicians have their fights in public, where the general population observes them and imitates their behaviour.

Discussion is important, but for decades party members have only professionalized in putting the oponents down and rarely try to pull the same string when it comes to improving the conditions in our societies. Instead myths about welfare are developing, and inequality and poverty are increasing.

Since my teenage years, I observe how our first world countries suffer from emotional poverty, from depression and such mental diseases, while we are having full stomachs and plenty of everyday objects around us, which are helping us to make our lives “easier”.

So, my personal opinion really is, that we should focus more on our small worlds and try to improve those by first trying to work on ourselves everyday to become better human beings, more social human beings and start giving more, when we can.

Working on ourselves is something even very spiritual people continue doing, because we are all human and none of us was born all-knowingly and none of us can give endless love.

Developing your compassion, your capacity of empathy, while maintaining healthy limits, is something to discover, to keep and practice.

group of people forming star using their hands

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When I was 3 years old, I learned that my grandma loves me

Memories

I am sitting in the train from Potsdam to Berlin and just remembered this story from my third birthday.

I got up as usual and found my grandpa in the kitchen, but no breakfast there. I asked him: where is grandma? And he said that it was my birthday and that grandma went up all the way over the top of the hill to the other village to get me Lino Lada (a chocolate nut spread for your bread). And I felt so happy, so impressed, especially when she got back and took out the glass of Lino Lada.

This is how grandpa showed me, that grandma loved me. She was doing something beyond her comfort zone to make me happy on my birthday. Before that, I didn’t know that she loved me. It was just a normal thing that we lived together.

We People Are Crazy – How Another Year Ends

Just Me, Memories, Observations

I extra say, we people are crazy, so I clearly state me being part of this loucura (craziness in Portuguese). And I was so silent the past months. There were different reasons for that. My life was just too chaotic, but in chaos it starts to clarify, at least this is what I believe.

What I did in 2019 is again different from the exercise I did somewhen in the first part of the year. But 2020 will be lovely, I believe. Is my optimism just sick? So, here is part of what happened and own interpretations of what happened. Of course, I omit some parts in this short version.

 

JANUARY

I had to find a place without having much of savings left, almost nothing, but I found a room which turned out to be an apartment for myself most of the time, because my friend worked in Switzerland. The apartment was in one of Berlin’s loveliest neighbourhoods, the Botzow-Kiez. I enjoyed the surroundings and felt really well.

 

FEBRUARY

Since I was in a sabbatical, I could not enter any long term compromise in terms of work. I was simply emotionally unprepared for this. So I started taking on all kinds of jobs. In February I got an acting role in an image film production, where I had met a very interesting man.

 

MARCH

Only in the end of March did we start talking and somewhen later there was a first kiss. What else did March bring? Anticipation. Preparing or not for my return to Brazil after 9 months of absence.

 

APRIL

I spent the whole month in Brazil. I stayed with my dear friend and mentor, enjoyed a bit of Sao Paulo’s cultural life with him, too, which I never really did when living there. Strange! I encountered wonderful people and a wonderful medicine to help me understand some things in my life. I took Ayahuasca with the Yawanawa people and participated in a second ceremony of a young Brazilian plant researcher and Yoga trainer. I learned so much. All these things are inside of us, but suddenly they are confirmed and you start finding inner stability. Since then I do know, that life is so much more complex and that mankind has all reasons to believe in something bigger, because to me this bigger power is among us all the time without any doubt. Maybe this was the most important confirmation I needed to become strong.

Besides meeting friends, I also had many phone calls with the men I had met. Well, time passed and we got close and discover some things together in our surroundings, but we decided so far to not be a couple.

So, I am single, but I feel no real anxiety about this at the moment.

Oh, April! Yes! I got divorced. My ex and me even had a beautiful good-bye with a long hug and good wishes. He started a new life with all its ups and downs, and my cat and her babies all found new homes, where they are hopefully still taken care of very well.

I will not tell you more, since this is supposed to become a book.

 

MAY and JUNE

Back in Berlin I was enjoying life and time but people around me started worrying if I would be able to maintain myself. This worry entered my thoughts and it led to some anxious steps, I should not have taken. I took on a job at a waxing studio with the agreement to stay and obtain health insurance. I had no idea how difficult it is to get one in Germany, once you left the system. Brutal! But this did not fit and I left after a month. In parallel I had an office job for a month to help out during summer, which was luckily short.

 

JULY

I quit all that in July and when I had decided to take a break, something nice had happened. A friend from university got in tough and I started as a freelance teacher at her language school.

July was also the month where my sabbatical had ended. In those 12 months I had learned so much, but still not the least orientation of how to proceed in life. Starting over all by yourself is so difficult. One cannot imagine, I beliefe, if one has not gone through such a thing in their live.

 

The months afterwards I managed to teach more, to take on other opportunities related to education and intercultural trainings, even a lovely project where I showed a piece of work related to arts and AI. This was amazing.

 

TRAVELS

Roughly different from my prognosis. I did not travel to the Amazon, but I was in Brazil and got everything I wanted in a less stressful mode.

In the beginning of the year I travelled to Morocco with a friend. We met again in October, but with different ideas of what the trip was. Our friendship broke and it is unfixable. Still I learned so much. When someone is not positive in their core, they cannot see nor enjoy the simple things in life.

In November I was a private tutor to a mother and he kid, who took me on their cruise. Occasionally (see how crazy life is), this was the cruise ship I would have gone to, if neither I had quit my gallery job, nor the company sailed down the path of near bankruptcy. I had the chance to see some people again, also the young man who had helped me so much by being my witness. But also other nice people. And most important, I was looking at things from an outside angle with an inside knowledge.

Also November was a month that almost made me kneel. I took on a very promising project as a content writer, but due to several reasons things just did not work out. But for almost three weeks I felt, like I had no life. Then I decided to leave the project and the sky started clearing. Meanwhile I had been in touch with a lovely start up in education and now we are working together on some ideas and I see a lot of potential in this field.

 

BOOKS

Well! Almost done with the translation to German of my first  book “Sete Dias em Busca da Brasilidade”. Not sure if I manage to publish still this year, but maybe waiting a bit longer does no harm, if the translation itself improves.

I lost the notes to one book, but maybe it had to be. It probably has to be different from how it was. And the big book about the sabbatical? I really want to write it! God, give me the circumstances, where I can create.

 

THAT IS IT! The short version!

WhatsApp Image 2019-06-16 at 22.38.37

Photo by Hannah Mendes.

The End Of My Unplanned Sabbatical

Just Me

A year has passed. On July, 9th in 2018 I left Brazil and landed in Split, Croatia in the evening. After driving into the mountains, my cousin’s wife had prepared a cake for me to celebrate my birthday, celebrating freedom, celebrating…, we were not really sure and not everybody knew what was going on in my life. And this year, on the 9th of July, it was my birthday again, here in Berlin. I celebrated with my friends, whom I have told about how much I had learned in this unwanted sabbatical and the lessons will turn into a book that I can share with all of you, for you yourself being brave to go on your journey and learn your own lessons.

In this post we can then discuss what it means to end a sabbatical. An unplanned sabbatical. Now I am 39 years old, single for more than a year (I have never beens ingle so long in my adult life, that is really amazing), free and smart, but always a bit broke, never though giving in when it comes to my life style. I need to stay me! Never stepping back, always moving forward!

Forward was the word I wrote in the sand of the wild forest in Trancoso, Bahia, last year in May, a few days before the whole avalanche started that leads to this post today.

What will change is that I now appreciate much more what I do and what I can do, without any self-pity. I have also learned to embrace the uncertain but also to create inner positivity which helps me to take better decisions. We need to stay calm, we should never panic. When we are tranquil, we can hear, listen, see and recognize much better what options are lying right there in front of us.

Accepting the responsibility one has for one self is one of the richest things I could have done. And I would like to teach younger people just that. Don’t step into the same traps. You can go straight to the point where you build the reality you want to live. Give priority to yourself and to what is best for you, under general ethical considerations of course. But don’t hand over the power of your creative life for the sake of following an old-fashioned dream brought to you by your society. You can do what you truly like doing.

So, ho ho ho! The future is bright, the present is real, and the past is a source of everlasting learning, and sometimes, you just need to close the box for a while. Ho ho ho! Merry rebirth!

The first step is recognition, the second is…

Observations

Yesterday evening, I felt alone, powerless when it comes to life and I was very insecure about whether I was doing the right things. I still have no answer to these feelings. They sometimes come up. Together with those feelings was a strong desire to have a space of my own, a space that looks like me. A place I can enter and say: thank God, I am home.

Recently I underwent too much trouble again, too much stress and for the first time in my life I can think of, I have trouble answering even private messages. It’s been only half a week that this phenomenon started improving and I asked my friend Amy if something like emotional burnouts exist and she, who is a personal trainer, says, yes. This could be it. I might be suffering from an emotional burnout while still worried about some basic issues such as health insurance, which among other things caused me a quite long nightmare last night. And I feel very distracted from solving my problem. I also did in my dream.

So, here’s an observation I have made. In April I bought this amazing feather earring which broke in May. The fine noose had broken into two sole and very short strings, unconnected and without me having any idea of how to fix it. Throughout the months I often looked at it, not knowing exactly what I could do.

This morning I saw the ear wire on my desk and I went to the kitchen to look at the feather part. I remembered that I have a small carry on sewing kit and brought all three items together on the sofa. I took a white thread and started sewing, connecting both loose ends. Within the process I thought that I could also try to tie the feather end with the thread to the ear wire. And it worked. In less than five minutes, I had fixed my dearest feather earring from Acre, Brazil.

So, this is, what it’s like in life. When you have a complex problem, you won’t find a complete solution right away. You can move in steps. The first step is recognizing that it’s there. Furthermore, look at it. The second is, to start working on it with an idea you have and the solution will appear along the way.

Calmness & Serenity

Observations

When I got up early this morning, there was nothing left of yesterday’s holiday feeling. A time schedule had to be followed. But the short break in the countryside gave me at least an idea about how to improve my time situation. Well, to improve may actually be exaggerated. Better would be: how can I at least not make my situation worse? A friendly professional coach suggested that I should make a T-shirt with the words “I have no time”, because this phrase is constantly coming out of my mouth. And when he asks me about the F word, he actually means “focus” and not “fuck”, as it always crosses my lips. So a T-shirt with the words “I have no f … time” would then explain two essential things about my current life.

For how many things do we have no time, because we sit on the carousel, which is going around faster and faster. And since the old, white wooden horses also look cute, we sometimes barely notice that the rush is anything but healthy for our bodies. While we are then part of the WhatsApp stories of our loved ones, we hardly get to notice anymore who is waiting there for us with their love.

The rushing has other disadvantages; One of the biggest things is that we can not hear our own inner voice anymore. No time! Peel fruits for breakfast? – No time. The good friend, who will be in front of your door in two weeks, how about calling her and talk to her again after three months and just ask how she is doing? – No time! Completing the formalities of an over-bureaucratised world around you. – No time. Take of my make-up properly before going to sleep? – Oh, please!

“Having time” was something that I have worked for the last few years and step by step. It’s something I like. I enjoy living in peace. Nevertheless, I let panic arise too easily. Sometimes I have the feeling that the more relaxed I am, others become even more restless. And very quickly, this mood gets back to me. And panic makes me feel driven and rushed, a disease women of my family suffer from, one could say.

Years ago, I once told Eric, my psychologist, about this phenomenon. I live with a loaded gun held at my back, and so felt my Aunt Franka, and so it is with my mother. There is always someone standing there telling you how incredibly lazy and inefficient you are. Actually total nonsense! But the feeling comes up again and again.

Also, Eric is online in less than ten minutes.

Calmness and serenity. Listening to the inner voice. The perception of others. The conscious experience of one’s own life. Listening to life. The serene waiting for the beautiful and simple things that always surround us, if we want that to be.

The anticipated suffering that I always carry with me when I have to make seemingly difficult decisions. Anticipated suffering whenever something looks terribly wrong. Cancel an already promised job with a signed contract 12 hours prior to departure? That’s not right. And I am suffering. But I created this situation myself. The famous self-sabotage. Why could not I see that? – I had no f … time.

 

background beautiful blossom calm waters

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My Relationship With Attention

Observations

Old new topics are always coming up! Sometimes I find the creativity and relaxation I need to write a post, sometimes it becomes a poem and mostly thoughts just find their endpoints in my own mind.

There are three things to say about attention in my life. Let’s start with the second. Three years ago my dearest and sweetest mentor Marco told me that the most important thing is to pay attention. And I couldn’t agree more. When paying attention while also being capable of remaining quiet, we learn to see what is going on around us.

After he told me that, I made a bigger effort to pay more attention and recognized many things in my old relationship.

Now, the first thing I wanted to say about attention: my mother told me last Christmas that my capability of paying attention is one of my special traits. I did not consider that for a long time, also because in some sense I had to learn to close my perception, because when walking down the streets of Heidelberg, I started being very anxious. I feared that when not seeing someone I was supposed to greet, people could be mad at me. Also, I did not want to greet everybody all the time. And further, I did not want to call attention and to be seen. I was a relative attractive young woman, so eyes automatically fell on me, even when people may not have wanted to look at me. But well! Before developing a neurosis at the age of 23, I decided to start to ignore my surroundings when walking on streets. And I feel that I missed a lot of beautiful things for over a long period. Now I have them back!

The third thing is, that through mindfulness exercises and honesty towards the nature of existence itself, I started to develop a stronger attention span and I really like it. Of course, it can make life difficult, because attention has become rarer than gold in our societies. What I can see, stays invisible to most people’s eyes and minds. Yet, it is the most efficient tool to be able to develop ourselves and help others.

And the latter is what life is about: helping others.

 

low angle photography of red metal tower

Photo by Anni Roenkae on Pexels.com

A thousand titles this could have

Observations

Really! It’s been days where I was suffering from an emotional blockage. From time to time it seemed a bit easier though. Meeting with my friends or talking to them on the phone, walking in the park helped me for a second, and surprisingly, listening to Marlene Dietrich’s songs seems to give me the ‘right’ perspective now again. So much perspective, that I started writing this post, which always means sharing my inner as well.

Everyone around me is worried about how it went back in Brazil, whether I managed to solve everything during my trip in April, and I can say, that I managed to close peacefully a long chapter of my life and that the process was important. I felt the support of old and new friends, enjoyed feeling the city of São Paulo, loved the new experiences I made and felt taken care of. Now, there’s real room for a reorientation. Not so easy though. Right now it is unclear to me, how I would like to proceed. Anyways! That’s another part of the story.

I have learned a lot about myself and my life. Also about life and the connection between all living creatures. Well! Let’s just say: it’s beautiful to see even clearer the ‘matrix’ but it surely doesn’t make my life easier. On the contrary! After watching closely, you are even more aware of people’s reactions, emotions and contents. In fact, I attended two/three events this week and felt that all were entirely contentless. Not immediately, but slowly moving forward into my consciousness. On such events people talk and talk and hang meaningless images on the walls. They produce plenty of fatuous contents. But when they spoke, I couldn’t hear anything new. When they showed their work, I only saw a bunch of colorful brush strokes, a mere practice of technique. Of course, doubting one’s own perception is among the first things I do. Seriously! I am not standing there and believe that I found life’s highest wisdom, nor that I myself could do it much better. But well!

These days nothing really helped me to get into a better mood. Things only got more and more dull. That’s the right word to describe it, “dull”! And so it went, until I started listening to Marlene Dietrich. I really recommend watching her movies. They remind us of the fact that certain problems exist everywhere and within every circle of people. And talking about circles, we may remember that development moves in circles all the time. It’s always been the way it is now. Only the surface looks differently.

Courage my heart, take leave and fare thee well.” (Hesse, Steps, the German original expresses this really well)