What writing poetry is to me, is mostly a moment where I can start, live and / or finish my inner feelings and thoughts. When the poem is sad, it means that my thoughts reflected my fear. If it is motivational, it reflects my oneness with the world at that moment.
So, very few people keep up with poetry during their lives. Most people who wrote when young, abandon the practice within time. And there were times, when I barely wrote three poems a year. It all felt so unreal.
When I made a first collection of my poetic development available to the public, I felt like I was crazy. I thought, I was just one of those people who publish their poems and sell them for 10 reais. Were my poems of enough quality to reach more people than just my friends? But there was something else I did with publishing that first volume. I freed up,… also from that kind of fear, at least partly. I needed something meaningful for me to kling on to.
I needed something to bring my self up again. Then a year later, I had published a second book with poems in Portuguese. This time I wanted to heal my wounds. When Vito, my pianist friend, suggested to prepare an audio version, I was forced to re-read my own product for over a hundred times until now. And I found that I had a voice in Portuguese.
The last publication was a volume in German again and very spontaneous and fast. At my poetry reading in Berlin two days ago, I told my friends that it had felt like a kamikaze act. I had actually decided to publish that volume about 26 hours before I did. And this time again, I have to re-read the content, and new projects are possible.
When you reveal your most intimate thoughts to your friends and family and in the end the public, it feels very strange. You are afraid of being judged and maybe that overcoming of such fears is what also makes a difference between those who abandon poetry as an expressive form and poets like me, who take some baby steps to develop themselves continuously, also in their expression.