Even though, I am not the most relaxed person, you may have met, especially when I get a bit nervous in situations where people ask me one question after another, I still see such a difference, such a change in me, compared to the last years.
When I was a university student, I underwent different phases of energy. All in all, I managed to get more stable while finishing what I had started, which took me some time. In the last three years of my studies, I was already in that relationship, that would turn into a marriage years later. Even though we loved in distance, I isolated myself more and more from my surroundings and felt quite alone sometimes, also because of the physical distance of my new apartment, which I had taken far too fast by then, to be able to receive my boyfriend for Christmas in a more private situation.
Right after graduating, I moved from Heidelberg to Sao Paulo, left my family and good friends and felt pretty lonely sometimes. After some months, I had built my first nice friendships, which got stronger throughout the years. My relationship turned into a marriage, but most times I was alone. At some point this being alone turned slowly into feeling lonely from time to time, and even being in fear some nights.
In the last year before leaving Brazil, the loneliness started getting better, but even after leaving the country, it did not leave me alone. I struggled afterwards in so many different parts of the world, from time to time every now and then.
But these months something in me grew! Something good, something warm. And it makes me feel centered and stable. And not lonely anymore at no point. I accepted life, my life, myself, my past and I know who I am. I need not to be anything else or anything more. Just develop the good I already have. And here I quote from one of my own poems: E a tristeza – ela foi embora. (And sadness – it has left.)
I write this, because many of my friends are on their path through their own lives, their own path of acceptance, forgiveness and thus self-love. Sound like from a New Age magazine, right? Well,, not everything in such commercial magazines is wrong ;).
Kris – the writer