I extra say, we people are crazy, so I clearly state me being part of this loucura (craziness in Portuguese). And I was so silent the past months. There were different reasons for that. My life was just too chaotic, but in chaos it starts to clarify, at least this is what I believe.
What I did in 2019 is again different from the exercise I did somewhen in the first part of the year. But 2020 will be lovely, I believe. Is my optimism just sick? So, here is part of what happened and own interpretations of what happened. Of course, I omit some parts in this short version.
I had to find a place without having much of savings left, almost nothing, but I found a room which turned out to be an apartment for myself most of the time, because my friend worked in Switzerland. The apartment was in one of Berlin’s loveliest neighbourhoods, the Botzow-Kiez. I enjoyed the surroundings and felt really well.
Since I was in a sabbatical, I could not enter any long term compromise in terms of work. I was simply emotionally unprepared for this. So I started taking on all kinds of jobs. In February I got an acting role in an image film production, where I had met a very interesting man.
Only in the end of March did we start talking and somewhen later there was a first kiss. What else did March bring? Anticipation. Preparing or not for my return to Brazil after 9 months of absence.
I spent the whole month in Brazil. I stayed with my dear friend and mentor, enjoyed a bit of Sao Paulo’s cultural life with him, too, which I never really did when living there. Strange! I encountered wonderful people and a wonderful medicine to help me understand some things in my life. I took Ayahuasca with the Yawanawa people and participated in a second ceremony of a young Brazilian plant researcher and Yoga trainer. I learned so much. All these things are inside of us, but suddenly they are confirmed and you start finding inner stability. Since then I do know, that life is so much more complex and that mankind has all reasons to believe in something bigger, because to me this bigger power is among us all the time without any doubt. Maybe this was the most important confirmation I needed to become strong.
Besides meeting friends, I also had many phone calls with the men I had met. Well, time passed and we got close and discover some things together in our surroundings, but we decided so far to not be a couple.
So, I am single, but I feel no real anxiety about this at the moment.
Oh, April! Yes! I got divorced. My ex and me even had a beautiful good-bye with a long hug and good wishes. He started a new life with all its ups and downs, and my cat and her babies all found new homes, where they are hopefully still taken care of very well.
I will not tell you more, since this is supposed to become a book.
MAY and JUNE
Back in Berlin I was enjoying life and time but people around me started worrying if I would be able to maintain myself. This worry entered my thoughts and it led to some anxious steps, I should not have taken. I took on a job at a waxing studio with the agreement to stay and obtain health insurance. I had no idea how difficult it is to get one in Germany, once you left the system. Brutal! But this did not fit and I left after a month. In parallel I had an office job for a month to help out during summer, which was luckily short.
I quit all that in July and when I had decided to take a break, something nice had happened. A friend from university got in tough and I started as a freelance teacher at her language school.
July was also the month where my sabbatical had ended. In those 12 months I had learned so much, but still not the least orientation of how to proceed in life. Starting over all by yourself is so difficult. One cannot imagine, I beliefe, if one has not gone through such a thing in their live.
The months afterwards I managed to teach more, to take on other opportunities related to education and intercultural trainings, even a lovely project where I showed a piece of work related to arts and AI. This was amazing.
Roughly different from my prognosis. I did not travel to the Amazon, but I was in Brazil and got everything I wanted in a less stressful mode.
In the beginning of the year I travelled to Morocco with a friend. We met again in October, but with different ideas of what the trip was. Our friendship broke and it is unfixable. Still I learned so much. When someone is not positive in their core, they cannot see nor enjoy the simple things in life.
In November I was a private tutor to a mother and he kid, who took me on their cruise. Occasionally (see how crazy life is), this was the cruise ship I would have gone to, if neither I had quit my gallery job, nor the company sailed down the path of near bankruptcy. I had the chance to see some people again, also the young man who had helped me so much by being my witness. But also other nice people. And most important, I was looking at things from an outside angle with an inside knowledge.
Also November was a month that almost made me kneel. I took on a very promising project as a content writer, but due to several reasons things just did not work out. But for almost three weeks I felt, like I had no life. Then I decided to leave the project and the sky started clearing. Meanwhile I had been in touch with a lovely start up in education and now we are working together on some ideas and I see a lot of potential in this field.
Well! Almost done with the translation to German of my first book “Sete Dias em Busca da Brasilidade”. Not sure if I manage to publish still this year, but maybe waiting a bit longer does no harm, if the translation itself improves.
I lost the notes to one book, but maybe it had to be. It probably has to be different from how it was. And the big book about the sabbatical? I really want to write it! God, give me the circumstances, where I can create.
THAT IS IT! The short version!
Photo by Hannah Mendes.