Sometimes we walk
unlearn to see the scars
we got while together
‘n just go ahead
and smile at each other
forgetting the fact
that our little walk
takes place on a vulcano
which isn’t sleeping
Found on Displate.com
Have you ever been really pissed on a trip? Something happened and made you think: “What the hell?” Well, I just thought back to some of our stories and how we laugh about them every time we tell them, even if we wanted to make someone pay for it the time the event occurred.
Like, there was this time when my mum and me were in Rome. We rented a small place in the center. The thing was, it had a special security door I had never seen in my entire life. That door was so secure that we once locked ourselves in. Oh no! Damn it! Turning the key back and forth and nothing worked.
And by then I had no mobile Wifi abroad. So I could not really reach the landlord to ask for help. I got the idea to open the window and try to find someone willing to help us opening the door from outside. Now, it was a very lonesome, narrow street. And by the way, I do not speak Italian. I speak Portuguese but know how Italian sounds and have a slight idea of word-endings.
So, the first two passersbys must have thought that we were trying to set them up. My Italian was like: Hello! We in room! Door! (showing the key), not open. You door (making signs for the person to walk upstairs). Only after twenty minutes, the third person, who was a lady in her 50ies, showed her goodwill, accepted the keys and walked up to the first floor to save us. Lucky us! The day trip could start!
Another funny story is when I booked a trip to the Black Forest (Schwarzwald) for my aunt and mum. I thought: “These girls really need to relax.” Through the internet, I found a charming place in the middle of nowhere. Well! It was winter, freezing cold, and the place had no functioning heater. There was only one restaurant and it was obviously uncommon for two women to walk in, drink beer and smoke cigarettes. They were relaxing actually by being confronted with a new culture in the country they had already been living in for three decades. Anyway, one afternoon they decided to walk up the mountain and drink a glass of wine when reaching the peak. Which is what they did. Not considering that after drinking the wine, it would already be dark. Feeling drunk and happy they walked down the mountain, could not identify the right path anymore and after an hour of being lost, they finally got help from a confused forest ranger who crossed their way. Lucky them!
These are the stories we tell each other when we get together. “And do you remember the time when we …?”. Do you have such stories to tell? If yes, please comment!
Yes! Problems! Something we like to hide from family and even from friends. We don’t want anybody to worry about us and we might think, we’ll get this straight by ourselves. Also, we fear we might overload the other. When a friend comes to me and tells me about their problem, I feel a bit helpless because I would like to take all that bothers the other away in a minute, but I can’t. I think at least a day intensively about my friend’s problem.
Some of us have less problems and some others have more, depending on lifestyle, circumstances and communication skills.
Some of you might feel like me and see the same problems appearing again and again, just like circles of which we can’t get out.
I’ve tried almost everything. At first, I tried to point them out and explain myself, then I tried to see myself as the cause of the problem, then I started fighting against and I have recently also tried laissez-faire. Nothing of it really works in the long term.
So, tonight I decided to turn the wheel completely around, to finally move out of that old, smelly circle.
From now on I will try to be better prepared when the problem stops by again. I will be more thoughtful considering my words and actions and I will also be more consequent. Said and done! Actions have consequences.
I will stop to see myself as the victim and I also won’t allow anybody to point me out as the cause of the problem.
I will try to communicate much clearer my observations and needs.
Guess, this is it for now! xoxo
Just one of these nights
but rarer and rarer
Carmenére and green tea
You wish you could do the same
at this very moment
Just walk out
walk the streets
mix your feelings
let the memories come
but you live in the wrong city
you’re living in a secret prison
you’re being maybe a secret person
nights come and cover
and homes become cages
and wandering souls
only keep wandering in their own minds.
Photo by Aletha-YF
This poem was written for my brother-in-law and his beautiful wife. They got married in December and this is what came to my mind.
Passing the second I try to grasp it
A warm wind
Embracing my blink of loneliness
That mankind hasn’t changed
We got more of those
And some people have a day off
Others are serving
Climbing and falling
Seem to be pure illusions
Young and old
A cat on my mind
Why are you so kind
And cruel at the same time
When I was 17, I moved out the first time. I moved to another city to attend acting school. I admit, that was a bit too early and it was financially hard for me. But the experience I made that year (I moved back 7 months later) was absolutely worth it. Learning how to live in a big city, getting a job, learning about how to protect myself and especially learning from other people’s experience. I grew so much! The second time I moved out, I was 21. This time I would live by myself for 8 years. Actually some years later, my mum moved in with me. It was a very rich time and I became extremely independent and learned to trust people. Working in very different places, I got a pretty good idea about what work means to people. I grew and grew and grew. I moved in with my mother at the age of 28 1/2, my last year at university, very little time to work beside writing my thesis and preparing for the tests. It was a great time. We were sharing as adults.
Now, I still have a good contact with my mother and with some uncles, aunts and cousins. But I have my own life, far over the ocean. I have lived in two other countries in my adult life and I am happy about having taken these opportunities to grow and to figure out (still in the process) of what matters in life. I don’t come from a wealthy family and I managed it.
I am writing this article for those, who are extremely integrated into their families and give up on ideas or dreams that would lead them apart. Parents, who don’t support your ideas and don’t kick you out of the nest, miss an important point: our life is short and we need to develop ourselves in order to be able to really care about and take care of others. If we don’t learn to do what we really want, we won’t become truly successful. Many might even become frustrated and distract themselves by analyzing only other people’s problems.
If you are in your twenties and haven’t left your parents or your country yet, please, ask yourself some questions and find out, if what holds you back are actually realistic reasons.
It is so important to stand on your own feet and go for your own goals, even if you don’t always achieve them, but you’ve got to try!
Drinking coffee in the morning. Back to Sao Paulo. I am actually not a coffee person but throughout the years I drink it more and more.
2016 was an interesting year, difficult, rich, funny, moving forward in small steps. I have spent the last days of 2016 in Svib, Croatia, with my mother and grandmother. Even the father, who is a good friend of our family, was with us on New Year’s Eve. Oh! But I am not supposed to tell you that. He is worried about local gossip. And he is right because gossipping is a very common human trait, unfortunately.
I came back to Brazil two days ago and I am not really being myself. These two worlds, winter in Svib with my family, the place where I lived from the age of 1,5 years to when I was almost five, and Sao Paulo, the biggest city in Brazil, in South America, as the song from Caetano Veloso says. My husband made me a CD before we got together. This song was on it – the version interpreted by Mutantes. It was introducing my future. I am listening to it right now. How did life go?
During my trips, I always meet friends and family, somehow mostly different parts of my past and also present, since we keep in touch. With some people I see how they move forward and develop into a good direction. I also meet people who are imprisoned in their lives and ideals given by their society, by their surroundings. I am a fan of simple lifestyle but on the other hand, when looking at those simple dreams, such as constructing a house for your family or looking forward to your retirement at the age of 65, I find it too few to be happy with.
I have also met a person whom I had completely misjudged before. A friend of my aunt’s. She seemed so calm and nice the first time we met. As I figured out by myself, she was recovering from a surgery by then and that was maybe the reason. When we met this time upon an invitation of hers, I found that she was very loud, hyperactive and nervous while spreading confusing ideas about the world. She originally comes from a simple family, got a college education in the sixties, which was still not common for women by then, and had a quite nice career, being actually a feminist of her time. Her second husband, with whom she lived, was also a very successful person, coming actually from a well-off family. In our conversations, he was generally very aware of things happening in his surrounding while she just spoke out loud the first thing that came to her mind, not realizing that she was a bit insulting with her “well-intentioned” ideas every now and then.
Sometimes I just wonder about the friends my aunt had. Were they actually really helpful or were they faking it all? But sometimes we just take what we get when we are in need, I guess. Forming deep friendships also isn’t a strength in my family, at least when talking about the generation before mine. My grandma made sure that they would be all scared of talking to others, she herself being afraid of gossip in the village at the time.
Now we’re in 2017, a new year, a forced switch that gives us the chance to change something in our lives. I am not really sure what that means for me. 2017, what would I want? Time to be creative, less time to worry, more time with close friends, seeing my mum again, living together with my husband, maybe a dog. Bella, our dog in Svib, got kind of interested in hunting dogs. She is so beautiful. I hope she chooses a beautiful black , long furred mountain shepherd and not a silly boar hunter. Let’s see!
A hug to you all!
Circles of time
circles of people
circles of love
Circles are …. just are
they repeat what has already been sad
and already been done
And life goes on
and years pass by
some circles get wider
some might get tighter
Only when someone’s gone
a circle breaks up