Really! It’s been days where I was suffering from an emotional blockage. From time to time it seemed a bit easier though. Meeting with my friends or talking to them on the phone, walking in the park helped me for a second, and surprisingly, listening to Marlene Dietrich’s songs seems to give me the ‘right’ perspective now again. So much perspective, that I started writing this post, which always means sharing my inner as well.
Everyone around me is worried about how it went back in Brazil, whether I managed to solve everything during my trip in April, and I can say, that I managed to close peacefully a long chapter of my life and that the process was important. I felt the support of old and new friends, enjoyed feeling the city of São Paulo, loved the new experiences I made and felt taken care of. Now, there’s real room for a reorientation. Not so easy though. Right now it is unclear to me, how I would like to proceed. Anyways! That’s another part of the story.
I have learned a lot about myself and my life. Also about life and the connection between all living creatures. Well! Let’s just say: it’s beautiful to see even clearer the ‘matrix’ but it surely doesn’t make my life easier. On the contrary! After watching closely, you are even more aware of people’s reactions, emotions and contents. In fact, I attended two/three events this week and felt that all were entirely contentless. Not immediately, but slowly moving forward into my consciousness. On such events people talk and talk and hang meaningless images on the walls. They produce plenty of fatuous contents. But when they spoke, I couldn’t hear anything new. When they showed their work, I only saw a bunch of colorful brush strokes, a mere practice of technique. Of course, doubting one’s own perception is among the first things I do. Seriously! I am not standing there and believe that I found life’s highest wisdom, nor that I myself could do it much better. But well!
These days nothing really helped me to get into a better mood. Things only got more and more dull. That’s the right word to describe it, “dull”! And so it went, until I started listening to Marlene Dietrich. I really recommend watching her movies. They remind us of the fact that certain problems exist everywhere and within every circle of people. And talking about circles, we may remember that development moves in circles all the time. It’s always been the way it is now. Only the surface looks differently.
“Courage my heart, take leave and fare thee well.” (Hesse, Steps, the German original expresses this really well)