Calmness & Serenity

Observations

When I got up early this morning, there was nothing left of yesterday’s holiday feeling. A time schedule had to be followed. But the short break in the countryside gave me at least an idea about how to improve my time situation. Well, to improve may actually be exaggerated. Better would be: how can I at least not make my situation worse? A friendly professional coach suggested that I should make a T-shirt with the words “I have no time”, because this phrase is constantly coming out of my mouth. And when he asks me about the F word, he actually means “focus” and not “fuck”, as it always crosses my lips. So a T-shirt with the words “I have no f … time” would then explain two essential things about my current life.

For how many things do we have no time, because we sit on the carousel, which is going around faster and faster. And since the old, white wooden horses also look cute, we sometimes barely notice that the rush is anything but healthy for our bodies. While we are then part of the WhatsApp stories of our loved ones, we hardly get to notice anymore who is waiting there for us with their love.

The rushing has other disadvantages; One of the biggest things is that we can not hear our own inner voice anymore. No time! Peel fruits for breakfast? – No time. The good friend, who will be in front of your door in two weeks, how about calling her and talk to her again after three months and just ask how she is doing? – No time! Completing the formalities of an over-bureaucratised world around you. – No time. Take of my make-up properly before going to sleep? – Oh, please!

“Having time” was something that I have worked for the last few years and step by step. It’s something I like. I enjoy living in peace. Nevertheless, I let panic arise too easily. Sometimes I have the feeling that the more relaxed I am, others become even more restless. And very quickly, this mood gets back to me. And panic makes me feel driven and rushed, a disease women of my family suffer from, one could say.

Years ago, I once told Eric, my psychologist, about this phenomenon. I live with a loaded gun held at my back, and so felt my Aunt Franka, and so it is with my mother. There is always someone standing there telling you how incredibly lazy and inefficient you are. Actually total nonsense! But the feeling comes up again and again.

Also, Eric is online in less than ten minutes.

Calmness and serenity. Listening to the inner voice. The perception of others. The conscious experience of one’s own life. Listening to life. The serene waiting for the beautiful and simple things that always surround us, if we want that to be.

The anticipated suffering that I always carry with me when I have to make seemingly difficult decisions. Anticipated suffering whenever something looks terribly wrong. Cancel an already promised job with a signed contract 12 hours prior to departure? That’s not right. And I am suffering. But I created this situation myself. The famous self-sabotage. Why could not I see that? – I had no f … time.

 

background beautiful blossom calm waters

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Reflection

Basic

The first week of project “personal balance” has passed and here is a summary.

 

What I did?

I changed my attitude and tried to be more easy going on some things. I started deleting unnecessary web profiles. I said “thank you” more often. I reduced responsibilities by taking out one of my tasks. The effect of this will only be visible in a month from here. I started two new classes.  My Saturday afternoon student cancelled and it is OK for both of us. (He was cancelling a lot and not developing much and that frustrated me. I was thinking of giving him an ultimatum or something but then the situation solved itself.) I got my Saturday afternoons back! Yippie!

 

How I feel?

Still a little overloaded with tasks but I can take it better because I know that things change in the long run. I actually thought whether my first post about my motivation for working so hard was correct. I concluded that what pushed me the last two years were actually additional life costs. I am helping partly my family and I had a wedding last year. All that caused a pressure for having more money on my account than I personally need. Now that the situation around me is stabilising I finally have the luxury to relax a bit more. I guess that me trying to earn more money in order to take care of other people too, is something most men suffer all their lives. Especially here in Brazil, where man are a bit more traditional. When they choose their career, they often don’t follow their heart. They have a second calculation of what awaits them in life and unfortunately put a lot of weight on the latter. Sometimes we forget, that the world (will learn to) spin(s) also without us.

 

What I plan doing next?

I will copy important online files but keep on deleting myself from the web. I will try to meet the friend that I have not seen in a year within the next 14 weeks. Also I would like to cook twice a week. Gymnastics for my back on a regular basis would be nice, too. I will not seek for new students.

Have a wonderful weekend all together!

Kika