A thousand titles this could have

Observations

Really! It’s been days where I was suffering from an emotional blockage. From time to time it seemed a bit easier though. Meeting with my friends or talking to them on the phone, walking in the park helped me for a second, and surprisingly, listening to Marlene Dietrich’s songs seems to give me the ‘right’ perspective now again. So much perspective, that I started writing this post, which always means sharing my inner as well.

Everyone around me is worried about how it went back in Brazil, whether I managed to solve everything during my trip in April, and I can say, that I managed to close peacefully a long chapter of my life and that the process was important. I felt the support of old and new friends, enjoyed feeling the city of São Paulo, loved the new experiences I made and felt taken care of. Now, there’s real room for a reorientation. Not so easy though. Right now it is unclear to me, how I would like to proceed. Anyways! That’s another part of the story.

I have learned a lot about myself and my life. Also about life and the connection between all living creatures. Well! Let’s just say: it’s beautiful to see even clearer the ‘matrix’ but it surely doesn’t make my life easier. On the contrary! After watching closely, you are even more aware of people’s reactions, emotions and contents. In fact, I attended two/three events this week and felt that all were entirely contentless. Not immediately, but slowly moving forward into my consciousness. On such events people talk and talk and hang meaningless images on the walls. They produce plenty of fatuous contents. But when they spoke, I couldn’t hear anything new. When they showed their work, I only saw a bunch of colorful brush strokes, a mere practice of technique. Of course, doubting one’s own perception is among the first things I do. Seriously! I am not standing there and believe that I found life’s highest wisdom, nor that I myself could do it much better. But well!

These days nothing really helped me to get into a better mood. Things only got more and more dull. That’s the right word to describe it, “dull”! And so it went, until I started listening to Marlene Dietrich. I really recommend watching her movies. They remind us of the fact that certain problems exist everywhere and within every circle of people. And talking about circles, we may remember that development moves in circles all the time. It’s always been the way it is now. Only the surface looks differently.

Courage my heart, take leave and fare thee well.” (Hesse, Steps, the German original expresses this really well)

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You learn

Observations

Learning is permanent. It is a way of obstacles the deeper we get into something. I have learned so much about human beings in the past year and my path continues. It is unimaginable how complex, similar and still different people are. Some aspects you can group and still each one is a unique set of characteristics.

I guess, I am becoming smarter when it comes to people while still maintaining my positive view on the world and them. I know that each of us has to work on our own stuff, our character and that everybody, if motivated, can become a better version of themselves.

My life in Berlin has calm and intense phases. I don’t go out much anymore to meet new people but I invest more time in the people I know. That feels good and strengthens our bonds.

Friends are extremely important when it comes to our development. Learning to open up, to share information will show you that most people have something to add to your story that might move you forward. Usually this is the case with me. I love the people who get close to me and I am accepting the time life gives us for the past 3 decades, never expecting more than is there.

One of the things I am working on, is to look into the future. This is very difficult for me. I unlearned to think far ahead, to have objectives and even worse, to have dreams. So, it starts with those little dreams. Like the one I wrote about, to pass next winter working in a warm part of the world. And I mention this frequently in front of friends and acquaintances and it becomes more real. All the rest though are mere ideas, sometimes just wishes, sometimes visions I can’t fully grasp.

My mother told me that it was important to have dreams, otherwise you won’t move in life to achieve something. Now, I need to figure out how to define wishes or goals that make sense to me. The last poem reflects a bit this difficulty. I am such a happy single and enjoy being me and learning. But shouldn’t I take care as well? I might get lost along the track, along the years and I see women seeking for something serious while I at my age just live my life. Do I want another serious relationship? Do I want to have children? A shy voice in me says yes, but I don’t want to ever give up on my freedom of choice again.

The freedom of choice is an essence of life, what makes me being me. I am aware of life passing, I have always been. As a five year old I was philosophizing about what consciousness would be like after death.  But the way I deal with this sure end of my physical and conscious being, changes. I am not sad about it anymore. I start preparing for something that will happen hopefully only in decades from now. It makes me live truer and thus more satisfied. Bit by bit. But what again is it with long term goals? How much sense do they make? That is what I have to figure out and learn to balance.

Good night world!

aerial photo of mountain surrounded by fog

Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com

It’s not always easy, and that’s OK, too!

Just Me

It’s time for me to write that overdue post on how things have changed drastically, luckily not dramatically, and I have been writing this in my mind for three months now, I guess.

Well, it might look a tiny little bit crazy for all those who do not have the slightest idea of what happened lately in my life.

So, let’s start at when the changes finally came. It was in April this year that I started to work as an interpreter at Ai Weiwei’s art projects in Trancoso, Bahia. There were two big projects in total and each of them had their own interpreter. It was a five week job for me, receiving only one visit in the beginning by my partner.

Trancoso lies at the beach and me and my translator colleague managed to sometimes get up around 6 am in the morning to get a swim before heading into the forests, where our projects would take place. That’s such a nice thing to do, heading early in the morning to the beach and just swim in the warm Baiano water. It was very relaxing. It gives you a glimpse of freedom, too.

Working with Chinese and Brazilians was a great experience, especially because the Chinese colleagues were not who you’d usually meet on such jobs. I learned a lot! I learned from all the circumstances. Interpreting in such a project is much more than just translating words. You transmit culture, lend an ear towards problems, and you role up your sleeves when something needs special attention.

Often I summarize it like that: I did my job and everybody respected me and took my opinion into account. Even though I was working in Sao Paulo and always had a good reputation in my job, I did not get that kind of recognition at home. I was never doing something “well” enough. To me the opinion of my partner mattered by then, even if I tried to ignore it, it got to me all the time. So, I got back home after five weeks of Trancoso, feeling very strong and positive. I even prepared dinner that day. Something I had done less and less in the relationship, because I also had not done it ‘good enough’.

While working away from home, I managed to see clearer through my relationship, mainly by encountering someone else who was in an emotionally manipulative relationship, too. And he was yet at an early point, but I recognized myself in him. I knew, I thought and behaved like this young man some years ago. Whether right or not, I started helping him to get another perspective on situations, to build up his self-confidence. And this act helped me to be able to be truly honest to myself and to be honest about our relationship problems, and therefore I had made a clear decision to not want to have a child ‘with’ my husband. There were many things not working out and it would have been just crazy to bring a child between us. We had tried for three years though one could say and the topic itself is very complicated when pressure becomes part of the equation. I mention this after dinner and what happens next is that we decide to split up and it was about time, since we were both not living a healthy relationship. That’s the keyword: healthy relationship. That’s something to achieve and maintain.

It took me two years to get to that point. Two years in which I had tried to solve things by therapy, couples therapy, talking … . Those two years had such a tough impact on our happiness because after opening your eyes, you can never really get back to ‘innocent’ again. Either you manage to work on the issues together or time will tear you apart. And it is Ok when it does. Otherwise you would become one of those long term couples where one is always walking far ahead of the other. Yes! That’s never a nice thing to see!

So, how does a break-up of a ten year long relationship (seven years of marriage) feel? In the beginning I felt relieved. Meditation practices, transactional analysis and my natural optimism helped me to keep my eyes open to reality and to not panic in the time where we had to decide together on certain things, such as living in the house together for a while or not. Who takes care of the cat and until when? These and other matters that can be a problem for many separating couples. But when you manage to calm down yourself, they do not become problems.

I knew by then, that I could not have left sooner. I had not analyzed our problems from a realistic perspective yet and I was not strong enough either. I did not have control enough over my reactions and we could say, I had no control over my feelings.

How does it feel now? Well, just like the title says: It’s not always easy, and that’s OK, too! There will be another post coming up these days to talk about the things that have happened since that day in the end of May.

dawn sunset beach woman

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Rainy Days

Observations

You know? We may all have different cultures, different lives, different circumstances. But when it comes to opening your window or door on a rainy day, we all have this silent, thoughtful emotional feeling coming up in us. We take a moment and reflect.

With me, that’s a black coffee and a slowly smoked cigarette while looking at the life in my garden. And Spotify plays a playlist someone has created for such days, simply called rainy days.

And the different lyrics take you to different places in your own history.

And what we do when observing a rainy day in such a way, is feeling and letting go, and letting come as well.

It’s been a while …

Observations

My life was rather complicated and somehow uncomplicated the last months. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my relationship, my professional life and if there is anything waiting for me in the future.

I figured that no matter what, you can’t forget to look after yourself. Your personal health is something to pay attention to. Don’t wait too long to see a doctor when you feel that something isn’t right. Don’t blame yourself in case that there really isn’t something right and focus on solving the problem. Bit by bit!

When stepping into society, we can see how we are all looking for something to believe in, something that shows us the way but maybe all this does not lie around outside. Maybe looking a little deeper and nicer inside yourself will give you the answers you need.

Some of the questions I have been dealing with were:

  • Do I feel enough?

My mentor told me, that he’d like me to connect better with my feelings. I started getting back to small meditations during the day. I thought that that might help but then I saw that my problem is probably not being unable to feel, but sometimes not being able to express what I feel, neither in words nor in physical states. Not knowing how to describe your feelings is not a big deal. Actually I think that feelings are all so interwoven and complex that humanity still has no vocabulary for that. Not showing feelings too much has to do with self protection or even protecting the other. Besides that, it is something that comes from our family culture, it is something we might have learned.

  • Is my relationship happy enough?

Dreamer, as I am, I imagine relationships to be like in romantic B&W movies but the truth is, that sometimes you can be in a relationship where both parts love each other but it’s not always a loving relationship. And that’s where you have to take a step back. That step can manifest itself in different forms, such as taking a break, going to couples therapy, studying yourself and human behavior, and other solutions. Taking a step back showed me and my partner, that things were not OK the way they were going. We couldn’t just be another couple stuck in a relationship and treating the other as if they were no human being. After working things out a bit, the way you live your relationship might improve a lot.

  • Am I taking the right steps to be fulfilled?

That’s something I am definitely not clear about. The whole world has always been a construct to me and reading Sapiens just confirmed that again. We’re all just playing in our own versions of reality. So, do I have the same measures of success and fulfillment as the people around me? It’s like, even if you see through all these things, they still sometimes draw you in and you might feel a bit like you haven’t made it, no matter the model you compare yourself with.

  • What actually would fulfill me?

Still working on answering that. Since life is unpredictable, there is not much we can do about it. We can imagine having a long life span and plenty of time. What’s important in this life for you? What do you want to do with your time and who should be in your life? There is this five year exercise, which is promising to achieve your goals within only five years. But then again, what would be the right goals to visualize, so that you don’t get stuck in another dilemma? So, I am feeling good right now having ideas and working on them, trying out new things. It just feels like that they lead to nothing more than personal fulfillment right at that moment. But is that so wrong?

Pacing in the same spot for a long time

Observations

Image result for Atsuko Tanaka sand

Looks like my last post made the round and I have seen some people trying the Facebook diet. Suddenly you are much more aware of the overflow of information. But my topic today is another one.

“Pacing in the same spot for a long time! was what artist Atsuko Tanaka thought when she draw her circles into the sand of the beach on Awaji Island in the 60ies. And I guess we all can transfer this idea into our own lives. I feel like pacing at the same spot for a long time, like in many areas I am just not really moving forward and there are days where I am good with that because I see how everything is nothing but a mere construct we have all built up together but on some other days I miss someone giving me a challenge. Again on other days i feel like I am over challenging myself.

What seems to help is to go through my possessions and get rid of some of them. Gives me the feeling of a partly liberation because it is the attachment to things, people, places, moments and even ideas that keeps us from moving wherever we want to move.

I am going to donate some of my art books to the Japan House in Sao Paulo, so that some others can make sense out of them.

Kika

 

 

 

 

Voices from the past

Creative

Just one of these nights

but rarer and rarer

Carmenére and green tea

You wish you could do the same

at this very moment

Just walk out

walk the streets

mix your feelings

let the memories come

but you live in the wrong city

you’re living in a secret prison

you’re being maybe a secret person

nights come and cover

and homes become cages

and wandering souls

only keep wandering in their own minds.

 

__

Kika

_.-,´+#.

 

Photo by Aletha-YF

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Between Years – Between Worlds

Basic

Drinking coffee in the morning. Back to Sao Paulo. I am actually not a coffee person but throughout the years I drink it more and more.

2016 was an interesting year, difficult, rich, funny, moving forward in small steps. I have spent the last days of 2016 in Svib, Croatia, with my mother and grandmother. Even the father, who is a good friend of our family, was with us on New Year’s Eve. Oh! But I am not supposed to tell you that. He is worried about local gossip. And he is right because gossipping is a very common human trait, unfortunately.

I came back to Brazil two days ago and I am not really being myself. These two worlds, winter in Svib with my family, the place where I lived from the age of 1,5 years to when I was almost five, and Sao Paulo, the biggest city in Brazil, in South America, as the song from Caetano Veloso says. My husband made me a CD before we got together. This song was on it – the version interpreted by Mutantes. It was introducing my future. I am listening to it right now. How did life go?

During my trips, I always meet friends and family, somehow mostly different parts of my past and also present, since we keep in touch. With some people I see how they move forward and develop into a good direction. I also meet people who are imprisoned in their lives and ideals given by their society, by their surroundings.  I am a fan of simple lifestyle but on the other hand, when looking at those simple dreams, such as constructing a house for your family or looking forward to your retirement at the age of 65, I find it too few to be happy with.

I have also met a person whom I had completely misjudged before. A friend of my aunt’s. She seemed so calm and nice the first time we met. As I figured out by myself, she was recovering from a surgery by then and that was maybe the reason. When we met this time upon an invitation of hers, I found that she was very loud, hyperactive and nervous while spreading confusing ideas about the world. She originally comes from a simple family, got a college education in the sixties, which was still not common for women by then, and had a quite nice career, being actually a feminist of her time. Her second husband, with whom she lived, was also a very successful person, coming actually from a well-off family. In our conversations, he was generally very aware of things happening in his surrounding while she just spoke out loud the first thing that came to her mind, not realizing that she  was a bit insulting with her “well-intentioned” ideas every now and then.

Sometimes I just wonder about the friends my aunt had. Were they actually really helpful or were they faking it all? But sometimes we just take what we get when we are in need, I guess. Forming deep friendships also isn’t a strength in my family, at least when talking about the generation before mine. My grandma made sure that they would be all scared of talking to others, she herself being afraid of gossip in the village at the time.

Now we’re in 2017, a new year, a forced switch that gives us the chance to change something in our lives. I am not really sure what that means for me. 2017, what would I want? Time to be creative, less time to worry, more time with close friends, seeing my mum again, living together with my husband, maybe a dog. Bella, our dog in Svib, got kind of interested in hunting dogs. She is so beautiful. I hope she chooses a beautiful black , long furred mountain shepherd and not a silly boar hunter. Let’s see!

A hug to you all!

Kika

 

Why is it so difficult to be just nice?

Basic

Sometimes I really feel lost in this world and I really don’t understand why some people cross limits or are purposely mean? I am no angel either, but I have tried to work on myself since being a kid to become a friendly person. It does not mean that I am pampering all the people in my life but I try to make them feel good when we are together. When someone then comes into my life with a more drastic view on reality, I need a day to understand their words or behavior. I always try to see the best in a person and of all possible explanations possible, I choose to believe in the least mean one. Not guilty until proven!And then I fail to see the proofs. Recently one or two people have told me that I am pretty naive but I define it more as a need to be positive and to avoid judging someone wrongly. What shall I do with this world?

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