Rainy Days


You know? We may all have different cultures, different lives, different circumstances. But when it comes to opening your window or door on a rainy day, we all have this silent, thoughtful emotional feeling coming up in us. We take a moment and reflect.

With me, that’s a black coffee and a slowly smoked cigarette while looking at the life in my garden. And Spotify plays a playlist someone has created for such days, simply called rainy days.

And the different lyrics take you to different places in your own history.

And what we do when observing a rainy day in such a way, is feeling and letting go, and letting come as well.


It’s been a while …


My life was rather complicated and somehow uncomplicated the last months. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my relationship, my professional life and if there is anything waiting for me in the future.

I figured that no matter what, you can’t forget to look after yourself. Your personal health is something to pay attention to. Don’t wait too long to see a doctor when you feel that something isn’t right. Don’t blame yourself in case that there really isn’t something right and focus on solving the problem. Bit by bit!

When stepping into society, we can see how we are all looking for something to believe in, something that shows us the way but maybe all this does not lie around outside. Maybe looking a little deeper and nicer inside yourself will give you the answers you need.

Some of the questions I have been dealing with were:

  • Do I feel enough?

My mentor told me, that he’d like me to connect better with my feelings. I started getting back to small meditations during the day. I thought that that might help but then I saw that my problem is probably not being unable to feel, but sometimes not being able to express what I feel, neither in words nor in physical states. Not knowing how to describe your feelings is not a big deal. Actually I think that feelings are all so interwoven and complex that humanity still has no vocabulary for that. Not showing feelings too much has to do with self protection or even protecting the other. Besides that, it is something that comes from our family culture, it is something we might have learned.

  • Is my relationship happy enough?

Dreamer, as I am, I imagine relationships to be like in romantic B&W movies but the truth is, that sometimes you can be in a relationship where both parts love each other but it’s not always a loving relationship. And that’s where you have to take a step back. That step can manifest itself in different forms, such as taking a break, going to couples therapy, studying yourself and human behavior, and other solutions. Taking a step back showed me and my partner, that things were not OK the way they were going. We couldn’t just be another couple stuck in a relationship and treating the other as if they were no human being. After working things out a bit, the way you live your relationship might improve a lot.

  • Am I taking the right steps to be fulfilled?

That’s something I am definitely not clear about. The whole world has always been a construct to me and reading Sapiens just confirmed that again. We’re all just playing in our own versions of reality. So, do I have the same measures of success and fulfillment as the people around me? It’s like, even if you see through all these things, they still sometimes draw you in and you might feel a bit like you haven’t made it, no matter the model you compare yourself with.

  • What actually would fulfill me?

Still working on answering that. Since life is unpredictable, there is not much we can do about it. We can imagine having a long life span and plenty of time. What’s important in this life for you? What do you want to do with your time and who should be in your life? There is this five year exercise, which is promising to achieve your goals within only five years. But then again, what would be the right goals to visualize, so that you don’t get stuck in another dilemma? So, I am feeling good right now having ideas and working on them, trying out new things. It just feels like that they lead to nothing more than personal fulfillment right at that moment. But is that so wrong?

Pacing in the same spot for a long time


Image result for Atsuko Tanaka sand

Looks like my last post made the round and I have seen some people trying the Facebook diet. Suddenly you are much more aware of the overflow of information. But my topic today is another one.

“Pacing in the same spot for a long time! was what artist Atsuko Tanaka thought when she draw her circles into the sand of the beach on Awaji Island in the 60ies. And I guess we all can transfer this idea into our own lives. I feel like pacing at the same spot for a long time, like in many areas I am just not really moving forward and there are days where I am good with that because I see how everything is nothing but a mere construct we have all built up together but on some other days I miss someone giving me a challenge. Again on other days i feel like I am over challenging myself.

What seems to help is to go through my possessions and get rid of some of them. Gives me the feeling of a partly liberation because it is the attachment to things, people, places, moments and even ideas that keeps us from moving wherever we want to move.

I am going to donate some of my art books to the Japan House in Sao Paulo, so that some others can make sense out of them.






Voices from the past


Just one of these nights

but rarer and rarer

Carmenére and green tea

You wish you could do the same

at this very moment

Just walk out

walk the streets

mix your feelings

let the memories come

but you live in the wrong city

you’re living in a secret prison

you’re being maybe a secret person

nights come and cover

and homes become cages

and wandering souls

only keep wandering in their own minds.






Photo by Aletha-YF


Between Years – Between Worlds


Drinking coffee in the morning. Back to Sao Paulo. I am actually not a coffee person but throughout the years I drink it more and more.

2016 was an interesting year, difficult, rich, funny, moving forward in small steps. I have spent the last days of 2016 in Svib, Croatia, with my mother and grandmother. Even the father, who is a good friend of our family, was with us on New Year’s Eve. Oh! But I am not supposed to tell you that. He is worried about local gossip. And he is right because gossipping is a very common human trait, unfortunately.

I came back to Brazil two days ago and I am not really being myself. These two worlds, winter in Svib with my family, the place where I lived from the age of 1,5 years to when I was almost five, and Sao Paulo, the biggest city in Brazil, in South America, as the song from Caetano Veloso says. My husband made me a CD before we got together. This song was on it – the version interpreted by Mutantes. It was introducing my future. I am listening to it right now. How did life go?

During my trips, I always meet friends and family, somehow mostly different parts of my past and also present, since we keep in touch. With some people I see how they move forward and develop into a good direction. I also meet people who are imprisoned in their lives and ideals given by their society, by their surroundings.  I am a fan of simple lifestyle but on the other hand, when looking at those simple dreams, such as constructing a house for your family or looking forward to your retirement at the age of 65, I find it too few to be happy with.

I have also met a person whom I had completely misjudged before. A friend of my aunt’s. She seemed so calm and nice the first time we met. As I figured out by myself, she was recovering from a surgery by then and that was maybe the reason. When we met this time upon an invitation of hers, I found that she was very loud, hyperactive and nervous while spreading confusing ideas about the world. She originally comes from a simple family, got a college education in the sixties, which was still not common for women by then, and had a quite nice career, being actually a feminist of her time. Her second husband, with whom she lived, was also a very successful person, coming actually from a well-off family. In our conversations, he was generally very aware of things happening in his surrounding while she just spoke out loud the first thing that came to her mind, not realizing that she  was a bit insulting with her “well-intentioned” ideas every now and then.

Sometimes I just wonder about the friends my aunt had. Were they actually really helpful or were they faking it all? But sometimes we just take what we get when we are in need, I guess. Forming deep friendships also isn’t a strength in my family, at least when talking about the generation before mine. My grandma made sure that they would be all scared of talking to others, she herself being afraid of gossip in the village at the time.

Now we’re in 2017, a new year, a forced switch that gives us the chance to change something in our lives. I am not really sure what that means for me. 2017, what would I want? Time to be creative, less time to worry, more time with close friends, seeing my mum again, living together with my husband, maybe a dog. Bella, our dog in Svib, got kind of interested in hunting dogs. She is so beautiful. I hope she chooses a beautiful black , long furred mountain shepherd and not a silly boar hunter. Let’s see!

A hug to you all!



Why is it so difficult to be just nice?


Sometimes I really feel lost in this world and I really don’t understand why some people cross limits or are purposely mean? I am no angel either, but I have tried to work on myself since being a kid to become a friendly person. It does not mean that I am pampering all the people in my life but I try to make them feel good when we are together. When someone then comes into my life with a more drastic view on reality, I need a day to understand their words or behavior. I always try to see the best in a person and of all possible explanations possible, I choose to believe in the least mean one. Not guilty until proven!And then I fail to see the proofs. Recently one or two people have told me that I am pretty naive but I define it more as a need to be positive and to avoid judging someone wrongly. What shall I do with this world?



Friends are treasures


You may change cities, jobs or even countries as I did. Sometimes we even change our partners and maybe even our gender. But friends are friends, they are there, they stay part of your life, if you want them to. Your biggest treasure. Friends are always there with an open ear. Recently I talked to some of my new friends and I am in touch again with some of my old friends, who I’ll visit soon, at least some of them.

This morning my students and me were talking about how to improve communication, how to be better listened to. Sometimes we talk to people who are against us for whatever reasons that might be. People probably gossip about you and judge you. Real friends though just listen and when they have something good to share with you, they will, but they will not impose their opinion on you. Facts are facts, opinions are opinions and hints are simply life experience.

Thank you my sweet friends, from all over this small wide wild world!



Running out of time


The last three weeks I felt like I had time for nothing. As before, I was involved with many very different projects, of course some of them pure fun and unpaid, but still time consuming.

I figured out:

– Even when you are stressed because of the fact that the day only has 24 hours, you should try to do your work with pleasure. Having fun at work motivates also others and you get easier through a long day.

– Also I learned that many things in life sooner or later make sense. Stuff you once did and thought that you may have lost time, some day might turn out to be a useful skill in a new context.

– Another thing is age. Now time only walks ahead. I should take more care of my body but not get crazy about aging. For a married 35 year old woman with no kids, I still don’t look too bad. My skin has its spots and wrinkles when I smile, and it is time I accept them.

– Another topic then is purpose in life. I’ve been talking to my husband and friend about this topic recently. I think the general answer is, it is about helping other people to live better. Your generation and the next generation. It is not about us. Our time and means are limited, but since things have to end for us one day, we can invest our time and help others to have better lives. In return there are more happier people in our society, who do great things to re-contribute. That is the only possible sense in life. It is not simply about money, entertainment or having kids. It is about what you do for others, and this can bring you money, entertainment, and if you have the time and chance, also the kids.

A long weekend is coming! Next week I am taking some days off in order to finish my book project. It will also be very fine to wake up only at eight or nine in the morning.

Have a great weekend!


The photo of the day is a selfie I took yesterday! I drink more tea recently. Even when I go to work I try to nurture this new habit. My friend Lu has given me a wonderful Starbucks China Tea “Tumbler” (as Starbucks call it on their website). It is so much healthier to prepare your cup of green tea at home and take it to class instead of drinking all this bad coffee you are offered in many offices (sorry).